Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
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Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*