I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
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I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
LOL
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
These aliens are taking forever.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
That’s what I call a flat tire
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage