Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
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Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
“no gods no masters” = leo
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
me
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.