When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!