Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks