Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.