Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.