Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
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When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*