No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.