wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
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“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Dance like you’re not the father
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
🤣could you imagine