[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
You Might Also Like
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.