How do you like your Corgi?
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I came this close!!!!
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
choose your gary
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.