*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
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She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
termite twitter scares me
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.