When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
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someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.