[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
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My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Never ghost your hitman.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Found my door mat
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet