Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.