{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you