If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
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My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can鈥檛 do that in here
Me: It鈥檚 ok, I鈥檓 gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can鈥檛 ride a pony in here
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that鈥檚 my ideal weight.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 馃え
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 馃檨
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*