Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
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I drew y’all a little something.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.