A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”