I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.