My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Never be a pizza!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.