“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
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everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.