WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog