I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won