Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
☠️☠️☠️
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am