Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Anyone really
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…