Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
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My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
happy friday
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly