me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?