[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked