Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My dad.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.