ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Weirdly Wednesday.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Actually cracking up @ this
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*