Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
You Might Also Like
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.