Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
How high do the levels go?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now