You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
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Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?