i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
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The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item