“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
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I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house