Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
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after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My wife gives the best headache.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.