“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Sign of the day..
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Plant care tips
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I feel seen
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
incredible