Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
🤭😂
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?