A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.