Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
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If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
FINE, I WON’T.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.