There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Remember folks 😂
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.