God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Is your wife single?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady