cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
You Might Also Like
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.