The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Unimpressed
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing