[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
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[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*