*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
do horses think humans are hats
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.