FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?