[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
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A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*